sticks and stones

The Mako shark is pound per pound the strongest shark there is. Although never reaching the length of the Great White, the Mako is the faster swimmer, and has a reputation of violently tugging at fishermen's hooks until either the line broke or the fisherman fell overboard. A small fishing boat, one story went, was attacked by the Mako they were trying to catch. It jumped right out of the water and into the boat, sending two of the three fishermen into the water. The shark landed on deck as the remaining fisherman's mind swiveled between panic and panic: to jump into the water, where there might be other sharks, or stay on deck and evade a wriggling 12-foot predator drowning in air, wildly trashing about, and rocking the boat.

Rescuers who came to the hysterical radio for help arrived five minutes later to find a silvery gray-blue corpse on deck. It had been dead a full three minutes, yet its tail continued to spasm and its jaws still twitched.

A report filed by the Coast Guard medic who talked to the fishermen who fell overboard said, "James Mathiessen, 34, truck driver by profession, was reported to have yelled in two directions, at the shark on deck, and in the direction of his friends in the water, at other sharks that might come by. John McMahon, 39, high school Physics teacher, and Mark Conneway, 32, car rental shop attendant, said that Mathiessen had yelled more at the shark that was never more than a foot away from him. He cursed it to the ends of the seas with all the insults he knew in his heart to be improper."

"We're thinking there's a correlation," Conneway said, with the dead shark fish-hooked and raised for display at the dock, where an awed audience stood. "James is undeniably more articulate than either of us [Mark]. I think that is what killed the shark and kept other sharks at bay."

"Our boat," McMahon, the other fisherman said, "is not a big one. If a Mako could jump right in and rock that boat hard, as it did, it could also flip itself overboard. But the more James screamed at it the less it struggled. It just writhed and withered and died.”

"I think," Mathiessen said, "I latched into every bad memory in my life and lashed it all on that thing, over and over. I feel lighter, somehow."

”We’re seriously thinking,” said Coast Guard Captain Harold Smith, “to require all fishing boats venturing the waters during shark-hunting season to have at least one very angry, very articulate person on board.”

how to survive a shark attack, tip #2

Two pieces of reliable info have been gathered on sharks: first, they can smell your intentions; second, they rarely die from dynamite fishing. Once you are in the water, do not thrash about wildly; for they will know that you want to flee. Stay calm. Research has shown that since sharks do not hunt or move about in schools, and because they are migratory, they are rarely blown to death by dynamite fishermen. Therefore, while you are calm underwater and a shark is nearby, having a stick of dynamite is not so useless. Here is what you do. Stay calm, do not trash about wildly. When the shark gets near, hold out your arm toward the creature and display that dynamite. The shark will either recognize the explosive and flee, or will suddenly bite your calm arm.

it's not fare

One evening last December, I climbed up a jeepney filled with Koreans; all of them male, excitedly murmuring in Korean, and occupying both sides of the jeepney. One side would take pictures of the other side, and the other side would repeat the gesture. I had to look away or the digital cameras' flashes would hurt my eyes. I've had a long day and a late night at the office.

They looked at me. I looked at them. Three of them took my picture and I squinted, but I smiled. I pulled out my jeepney fare and leaned over the guy nearest me, so that the guy farther away could take my fare and hand it to the driver. It is a custom when riding jeepneys in the Philippines.

The Korean beside me took my fare, put it in his shirt pocket, handed me his camera, and the entire Korean delegate suddenly faced me and became one big smile.

I took their picture, using camera after camera after camera, digitally freezing the all-out smiles of men who all look the same to me.

My fare never reached the driver.

how to survive a shark attack, tip #1

Sharks often mistake humans swimming underwater to be seals or large fish or both. When you see a shark swimming toward you, place your arms parallel on your sides, and swim in a dolphin-like motion. The shark will hesitate and think you are a seal or a dolphin looking like a human, or a human swimming like a seal or a dolphin. Sharks rarely attack dolphins, almost always attacks a seal or a large fish, and sometimes attacks a human. Confusion is your best bet. Remember to swim away, like a dolphin, and to swim like hell. The point is to make the shark think you are a seal looking like a human moving like a dolphin who clings to dear life.

sleep shaving

I don't think I've awakened from a morning shave agreeing with the razor. I'm bleeding again. You walk down the stairs almost every morning feeling stubbles under your chin. It is like Velcro. I live with a porcupine under my chin, an animal that needs constant pruning now and again, and when you prune on mornings that you are half awake, you don't notice the nicks you incur under the blade. Not until you are splashing water and looking at the razor under the downrushing tap water. Blood. Yours. Again. And then you are fully awake. Good morning.