how to kill your maid

Admit it. You hate your maid. Not only do you want her out of your house, you want her out of your house without a pulse. If only you could get away with murder. With the following simple steps, you can. Let's go kill that maid.

1. aim and swing

Swing the pipe down on her throat as she sleeps. Wait for her to choke and snap her eyes wide open and bolt up on the bed. Swing the pipe down again, not on her throat this time, but on her head. Adrenalin will make her momentarily strong, unmindful of the pain. If she covers herself with one arm while grasping her throat with the other, move to the other side of the bed. Raise the pipe as you would a baseball bat. Aim for her nape. Breathe in, swing down with your whole body, bring your fury to the base of her skull.


2. roll and hide

Note how much saliva the dead can cop out. Stuff one of the dishtowels in her mouth. Plug her nose with balled up tissue paper. Push her body till it rolls off her bed and thuds on the floor. Grasp her feet with both hands and drag her to the sala. Place her figure, lengthwise, on one end of the old carpet you unrolled earlier. Roll her up.

Take a moment to stand quiety. Stretch your limbs. Regain your normal breathing. Wipe the beads of sweat on your forehead. That bitch was pain. Alive or dead. Note the time on the wall clock: 2:00 am.


3. drag and drop

Drag the body out and lock your front door. The trash collector's cart should be just around the bend. Grab one end of the rolled-up carpet, heft it up like a sack of rice, kneel and let its weight fall on your shoulder. Slowly rise up. Walk towards the bend. Only the streetlamps are witnesses. Listen for sounds anyway. Drop the body on the grassy side of sidewalk, beside the cart. Make some space inside the cart by removing some trash bags. Lift the carpet in a lover's carry position and gently let it settle in the cart, avoiding any loud thuds. Cover your cargo with the removed garbage bags. Step back, away from the garbage scent. Take a deep breath. Stretch a little. Rub your shoulder. Go back to the cart and start pushing.


4. stash and leave

There it is. The garbage truck with a compactor, the one that's parked every Tuesday night infront of an abandoned store. Two streets after another bend is a videoke bar, where the truck's crew are now singing, drunk. Keep pushing the cart till its front touches the truck's bumper. The compactor is open and smells of dried garbage. Stand still, look around for anything strange, like a bystander from behind a post staring at you. Never hurts to check. Remove the garbage bags covering the rolled-up carpet. Haul the carpet up, taking care to look at both ends, just in case the maid's hair or feet juts out. Carry the roll, lover's carry style, to the mouth of the open compactor. Drop the cargo. Go back to the cart. Grab all the garbage bags and stuff them in the compactor till the carpet is covered. Walk back to the cart and return it where you found it earlier.


5. alibi and goodbye

Resist the temptation to look at your hands in the dim lamplight, to sniff yourself, to check if you smell of garbage and of that old carpet. You have time to wash off when you get home. Walk as though you were coming home from work, tired and zoned out. Look straight ahead. Without checking your watch, it should have been, as you have estimated days before, just around three in the morning. Don't zip your eyes left and right. If a subdivision tanod spots you, asking what you're doing away two streets away from your house, tell them you threw away your dead cat in the compactor around the bend. That is why you are perspiring. You had been trying to find a place to throw that thing into, until you remembered that parked truck. Tell the tanod he can inspect the truck if he wants to, which of course he won't. Bid him good morning and walk back to your house.