i need a weapon

Have your read those Robert Ludlum novels on Jason Bourne? Bourne kept saying, "Sleep is a weapon." Now that I'm working night shifts, Bourne gets to tell me--and I won't argue--a crisp, "I told you so."

Been getting after midnight headaches at work, since I don't get to sleep much after the clock passes the 12 noon marker. Something about noisy neighbors' kids breaking the kid-a-shriek sound barrier. I want those kids dead. Really. But every time I say this, complete with theatrical venom in my voice, my wife shushes me for having even those thoughts.

Ok, how about I poison them all instead, but not lethal enough, just enough to give them tummy aches for two hours, which will make them cry, and make their mothers panic, and then rush them to the baranggay clinic, leaving me alone in the afternoon, just quiet enough to sleep?

The mothers of course will start apportioning blame, will eventually hawk up some bad memories about each other, to establish motive, forgetting they all opportunity, and singe each other with words enough to tear the family apart. Oh who would not love some family obstacles to deepen their bonds of love?

No?

C'mon, Darling! I want them [insert venom here] D-E-A-D. Sige na please.

No?

I'll be a very nice Herod, please. No.

All right. (Ayen whistles obnoxiously, looks away, types www.mambabarang.com on the address line of Firefox, punches in his credit card number.)